Q & A – “Early orgasm … I can’t please my partner”

“I’m having an issue with early orgasm. I can’t please my partner because obviously I lose my erection. Very embarrassing.”

~ Anon.

Control your orgasm instead of letting it control you. This is a common technique in the kink world. One partner may something to another such as ‘no touching yourself the week before we meet’. Those heavy into D/s,  allow touch as a reward by controlling physical stimulation before and during a session.   There are reasons for this.  ~ It’s psychological. Think back to xmas as a child, the anticipation is a huge part. ~ Deny stimulation because withholding works like a valve, a dam, or a blood pressure cuff.If you refrain from release, when you actually do have a release it will be more intense or meaningful.

If you ejaculate early, control your orgasm by controlling it. Masturbate before you ‘do the deed’.

Pre-date masturbation is practiced in the provider/client dynamic. Being with an intoxicating partner can be intimidating, the concentration required to hold back and prevent ejaculation can be so overwhelming it detracts from the pleasure of being with them in the first place. Release the floodgate!

What is early ejaculation anyway?

You may not be as ‘premature’ as you think. Science says the average time of intercourse before ejaculation is 2-5 minutes, so you may very well be within the ‘average’. If you’re basing your length of time off porn, then you should know porn isn’t average. If you’ve been on a porn set (the KINK building in San Francisco used to offer tours), then you’ll see first-hand what all goes into a scene. A 30-minute scene may involve many breaks and Viagra. If you do feel like you need medicine to treat erectile dysfunction, then talk to your Dr.

It all comes down to what you’re looking for out of the experience.

If you are seeking connection, then does ejaculation make you feel connected? What of all the activity that occurs before the final shot, there are many things you can do before copulation that are sex-based. Are you seeking intimacy? To ‘spill your seed’? Get her pregnant? A longer sexual session? To just feel good?

In your comment, it sounds like pleasing your partner is important to you.

Pleasure involves much more than just sex.

There are many activities, toys, oral, teasing, edging. We often relate the term ‘edging’ to males, but it works the same with females. When you think of edging for you, it likely involves a lot more than penetration. It involves touch, tease, denial, working up to a feeling of sexual frustration and intensity where orgasm is the final release. It’s likely similar for her. Think of ways she gets turned on, watch for when her breathing changes, how she’s moving, arching into you, squirming away, try a few things and see what ‘pushes her buttons’, make mental notes, and do more of that. That way, when you get to intercourse, her pleasure isn’t reliant on how long you actually engage in the penetration part.

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