Q & A – “On dating sites why don’t they message me back?”

I keep sending emails on Match and they don’t get back to me. I sent one woman at least 3 emails and I haven’t received a single response. Why don’t they even care enough to send a note saying they’re not interested? Why are they even on a dating site if they’re not going to respond?

~ Anonymous 


Don’t take it personal. People are on dating sites for a number of different reasons, and you really shouldn’t be on dating sites hoping to find your soul mate. You should be on there exploring, meeting people, making friends, getting out, and if you happen to find someone who becomes ‘more’, then it’s a bonus.

But wait, isn’t meeting your soul mate what dating sites are for? I say neh….. and your question is a perfect example why.

The minute you start stressing out about someone you’ve not even met, who clearly has no idea you even exist, you’re missing opportunities and wasting your time. You should keep your eyes and attention open to situations that have a chance of moving forward. Sometimes, meeting someone who has the potential to become your next big love can be subtle; like the person you run into every day at the coffee shop, or when  taking the dog for a walk, or picking up groceries at the local market. When you’re paying attention to what’s in front of you right now, instead of mulling over why someone’s not getting back to your emails, you’ll notice when the true opportunities pop up.

When you’re focused on why an online profile didn’t get back to you, you miss the subtle nuances in everyday life which is where you’re most likely to find a suitable mate.

You can find a suitable partner on dating sites, if that’s your intention, but a lot of people aren’t on dating sites with the drive of finding a forever partner. Maybe that thought crossed their mind the moment they posted their profile, but peoples intentions and energies shift rapidly sometimes.


There are a number of reasons someone may put up a dating profile. 

  • Some post a profile on a dating site when they’re at a low point and need emotional spark. Maybe they want to feel better following a recent breakup and putting together a profile gave them morale support to move ahead.
  • In the early stages immediately after posting a profile people tend to be more gung-ho, to meet and greet and collect friends than after they’ve been on the site for a while.
  • Others use dating sites as an ego boost, comments are a pick-me-up, and they collect potential “dates” for the same reason.
  • Some use dating sites as a form of entertainment and social interaction. They don’t fully intend to start dating, but they ritualistically scroll through profiles each night as a form of social media, checking for new profiles, seeing if anyone stands out, perhaps with the intention of meeting but never really getting around to it.
  • Some have other intentions… like networking, marketing, or advertising.
  • Not all profiles are of real people.
  • We all have disqualifiers. Maybe you remind them of an ex…and not in a good way.

If you’ve sent multiple messages and you’ve not heard back, stop. 

When you continue reaching out without a reply or encouragement, they’re not interested right now. Constantly blowing up their inbox gets annoying and smacks of neediness and desperation. If you continue, you will most likely lose any chance with them. Trust me, they probably saw the first message and they almost certainly saw the second one. The third one borders harassment. If you’ve already sent several messages, then let it go. Take a step back let them get back to you on their own terms. If they don’t, then move on because you don’t want to chase someone who doesn’t put forth an effort. Don’t chase it’s that simple.

Because someone doesn’t get back to you doesn’t mean you won’t find a match.

It can feel like you’re doomed with dating sites, especially when days pass and you don’t get a reply back from your first, second, third, or fourth choice. Keep your options fluid, don’t go onto dating sites with high expectations, and don’t put all your dreams and hopes in them as a way to find your soul mate. There are many other ways to find dates, like mentioned in this post. Just enjoy the dating site process. That way, if you meet someone on the same wavelength at the same time as you then you’ll be ready to seize the opportunity.




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