“My parents want me to follow tradition and get married by arrangement. I’m on the fence about it, part of me wants a love marriage. Even though we live a modern life, my family all have arranged marriages and I feel I should do the same. Do you think I can come to love a husband I didn’t choose?”
~ A.
Love is an emotion and emotions can be stoked or left to fade away, just like a flame. There are different types of arranged marriages, will you meet your future spouse before the alter? Or are you expected to say yes to whoever they hand over? Will you be dating, talking, meeting for months so you can get to know the person before you tie the knot? If so, then I would strongly suggest you make a list of the important things you value in marriage and life, and not just in the next 3-5 years, but long term, look at 30-50 years down the line. There are big things like children and a career, do you see eye to eye? Small things are just as important, are home duties shared? Are you both neat freaks or sloppy? If you’ve never lived outside of your parent’s home, then it’s important to get an idea of how other people can live. Go on a roommate wanted website and look at the questions asked to get an idea of compatibility. Have you been to his place? Facetime? Pay attention to the details.
The divorce rate of arranged marriages is less that 10%, in some parts of the world it runs around 1%. Part of that is because there are expectations tied up with the marriage that affect the family, such as disappointment, religious beliefs, financial security, etc. Many marriages start out in love, but that feeling can fade past the first few years and people often stay together out of convenience. Their spouse becomes their best friend and it can feel easier to stay with someone who understands them than start over.
It’s not uncommon for couples to grow together in arrangements. Even in the USA where it’s less common traditionally, many escorts marry out of convenience, and so do clients. Clients marry working girls because they know what they’re getting; a compatible mate who can fill the bill be it a suitable life mate, arm candy at business events, or a younger model. Many grew to love their partner.
Marriages, regardless if they’re love marriages or arranged, take considerable commitment, understanding, compromise, and adjustment. If you decide to give it a chance and there end up being major red flags or an inability to come together, then reconsider the situation, but I wish you the best of luck and I am certain you will make the right decision whatever you decide to do!
Warmly, Jami
For more of my love and relationship thoughts, please visit this page weekly, or submit your own.
