Should men still make the first move? 67 percent of women say yes! Two thirds of women believe men should ask for the first date, according to a study released by eHarmony. To be honest, I was surprised by this, but it tells me many women are romantic at heart, irrespective of the gender-equality movement. The biggest hinderance to asking someone out is fear of rejection, but if you keep a few social behaviors in mind, hints of interest, and simple conversation flows, covered in the three formulas below, you’ll be much more inclined to success than failure.
First, if you’re more aligned with gender equality and steer clear from traditional courtship activities, know that it’s less about gender role expectations and gets into the psychology of mating and “female reputational defense theory” expressed through social media, Hollywood, and family experiences surrounding gender roles. Know that tradition is changing; a decade ago the number of women who waited for men to ask them out was at 93 percent, according to Psychology Today.
If you are a woman you’ll have greater success making the first move
Women who take the initiative online are 2.5x more likely to get a response, according to a study released by OKCupid.
Guys, if you hesitate because of rejection-induced anxiety
If you enjoy traditional actives such as opening doors, walking on the road side, and bringing flowers, I say go for it! Considering most females did not ask anyone out on a first date in the past year, if you’re dating, being proactive is probably in your best interest.
You can do this!
Even if you’re shy, more aligned with beta guy behaviors, introverted, or lack confidence, and especially if you’re afraid of being rejected, since many women expect the guy to take the initiative, it relieves the pressure off you.
Texting, Instant Message, phone call, directly asking, is fine. You should stay away from Direct Message (on IG, FB, LinkedIn or any other social media) unless you know them well. And if your’e asking them out, you probably don’t know them that well, so stay away from DM, as it feels like an imposition of personal space. Still, it might feel awkward to come right out and ask someone out without any hint of interest.
Look for signals she might be interested
- if you’re on a dating site or social media, direct engagement with flirtatious, curious behavior such as asking non-business, personal questions
- asking if ‘you come here often’, your week/end plans
Nonverbal proceptive behaviors
- touching, brushing against you
- repeated eye contact, you know the ones that give you a tingle or a spark
- slightly open mouth when you’re talking, lengthy smiling, laughing
WAYS TO ASK HER OUT
#1 YOU HAVE NEVER MET, NOT FRIENDS, NOT ACQUAINTED
This scenario is most likely to happen on a dating site or social media, stay away from asking someone out by DM. It feels like an imposition of personal space. However, if you are on a dating platform, using the messaging platform to ask them out is completely expected. Use this formula to introduce yourself.
Hello [insert name here] I’ve been meaning to tell you [insert something about their photo/hobby here] (example: your hiking photo gave me feel good vibes all day), let me know if you’re looking for a hiking partner, I make killer energy bites I bring on all my hikes =) [commonality shared]
APPROACH 1 = Greeting + Experience Remark + Commonality Shared, Inviting Yourself on The Experience
#2 YOU MET ONCE, NOT FRIENDS, NOT ACQUAINTED
This is [insert your name here], I’ve been meaning to tell you [comment about when you saw them] it was great meeting you the other day, too bad it mostly happened in the few minutes in the parking lot.
APPROACH 2 = Greeting + Comment About When You Met + Open-Ended Non-Closing Finish
#3 YOU ARE NOT FRIENDS, YOU ARE SEMI-ACQUAINTED, FRIENDS OF FRIENDS, COWORKERS
Hi again! I saw an event this weekend and it reminded me of something you mentioned. I have some free time this weekend and I’m thinking of going, if you’re around
or I read an article the other day about something you mentioned, your explanation was so much more clear and you have great insight, I’d love to continue the conversation if you’re free sometime this weekend!
APPROACH 3 = Greeting + Remark and Compliment + Invite
If you are friends, super!
You can take one of the stances above, but personally, I feel like asking a friend out requires a whole different approach which I will discuss in the next article.