How to Turn Her On in the Bedroom

My first dominatrix session was with a foot worshiper; designer heels and feminine power turned him on. After cleaning my shoes with his tongue, he served dinner and ate my leftovers off the floor posturing as my human footstool. We all have favorite activities in the bedroom; it was my job to discover and execute his. Humiliation through emasculated role play was his kink, which I realized by participation through observation. “When your girlfriends come over you’ll all point at my caged cock and laugh, and when someone goes pee it’s my job to clean you up with my tongue.”  The cock cage was a surprise, I’d never seen one, and his fantasies were also a new experience. But, he was a high-powered, high-paying Silicon Valley exec and I performed.

Domination didn’t feel natural at first.For a large part of my sexual career, I conditioned myself to be a provider, and providers adhere to social norms that value submission in women. Plus, I didn’t advertise as a dominatrix, I had not practiced, I didn’t know the rules, and I didn’t have a mentor.  So, to be dominate and force a man to be subservient, it just felt awkward.

Although social conditioning has demoted the domination of women, I’m telling you, women still dig dominate men 

If you want to turn her on, dominate her in the bedroom. Gender stereotypes exist for a reason, it’s why we’re here. Masculine/feminine behaviors activates pheromones, stimulates a natural male-female response, men have primal urges to dominate, women submit. If you have fantasies of dominating your partner, you’re on the right track and there’s nothing wrong with it, but if it doesn’t feel natural the first few times it will come easier with practice. Follow cues in this post for how to turn her on in the bedroom.

Man up, be a man and take charge in the bedroom. You may have even more success than you imagined

Man with hand on womans legs turning her on

Learn by observing, mimicking and doing

When I first started dominating clients, I paid attention to one or two little things each time we met, jotting down notes in my phone for the next time. Sure, I could toss out a few words or actions that I knew turned him on, but that doesn’t flow naturally and it’s not sustainable. It was my job to turn him on by learning his kinks. You might be wondering what kink even is, this post will answer that.

Between sessions I researched. And while there are many great  guides, blogs, and advice on the web, I needed to fill in the gaps that how-to manuals didn’t, like how to start, what does a scene actually look like, sound like, what are the steps, the details, how does it end, and how to do build on it for next time. And I covered all this by listening to dark romance audiobooks: a more creative, darker, literary version of porn (a link to a list is below).


If you want to know how to turn her on in the bedroom but domination is a new activity for you, some questions might come up

  • Why be dominant in the bedroom
  • How to actually start without feeling rehearsed and weird
  • How to pull it off if you’ve never done it without feeling awkward
  • What are some actions you can actually do that might turn her on 
  • What if she doesn’t like it, how to fix it in the moment without ruining the night
  • How to be dominant without her thinking you’re cheating on her or that you’re not satisfied in the bedroom


Why do all this

Yes, when it comes to sex, men are more physically inclined, while women are more emotional. Women are attracted to strong men. They are attracted to dominate men. Women fantasize about being dominated. They want you to be more aggressive, you just need to learn how to be aggressive in a way that turns her on instead of freaking her out. Plus, women like foreplay, and aggression and domination is a form of foreplay.

The BIGGEST factor in how to turn her on with domination

Whatever you do, don’t ask her if you can do it. Don’t come off as being wishy washy, meak or weak about it. Don’t question what you’re doing. Just do it. Own it. If she doesn’t like it, you’ll know quick. And I don’t mean her reactions that sound like ‘what are you doing’, or ‘stop it’. I mean if she gives you a resounding No. Of course, I’m not advocating you go out there and force yourself on your girlfriend, but you know the difference between being dominate and rape.

Get physical

Pull her hair. Hold her wrists down. Toss her around, pull her down to the edge of the bed. Use momentum to roll her over when you switch positions and pin her down in the process. Pin her down from more than one point, keep one hand wrapped around her hair while you hold her arm down with the other.

Rub your cum into her skin wherever it lands on her body (some women like this some don’t). You won’t know until you try.

Bend her over someplace unexpected at an unexpected time, such as the counter when she’s in the kitchen preparing a meal.

Kiss her from behind, and hold her there, don’t let her turn around to face you. This shifts the natural inclination of her equalizing to you and is a subtle way to introduce control and power.

man kissing woman from behind to turn her on

Breathe play and choking
Women get off on being choked, it turns them on. But it can be scary, so introduce it slowly. Put your hand across her throat but don’t squeeze hard. Sometimes the thought is just as effective as the actual act. Do this from different positions and angles; when you’re eating her out; when she’s on top; or you’re on top. A way of introducing breath play is to refrain from pulling your mouth away from hers as one or both of you are orgasming. Make her gasp for breath, but with your mouth locked onto hers she’ll be forced to pull the breath from your lungs.

Not all women are into this, but many are. One way to get past the weirdness if its not something you normally do is to use a voice that is called a Dom voice. It’s more commanding, deeper, and throaty. She might laugh or pull back if you’ve not done it before. But just keep going and use your Dom voice to all her names, like bad girl, slut, dirty little whore. Many women fantasize about being your whore, not just a whore, but YOUR whore. It’s a common erotic fantasy. Toss it out there next time, say something like you enjoy being my dirty whore don’t you?

Order her onto her knees. Or command her to bend over and show you her pussy. When she hesitates use your Dom voice to respond, that’s my pussy, show it to me. Then stroke her leg or her ass and comment on how much it turns you on. Be vocal about it, describe why it turns you on, your ass is so hot, every time I see it I just want to bend you over and take what’s mine.

Call her yours. It’s simple, easy, and shows ownership (the ultimate form of domination)


Aim for the edge of her comfort zone, but whatever you do, just do it, don’t ask. Tell her to wear a dress next time you go on a date, make sure you have semi-privacy, then slide your hand up her leg, cup her pussy and hold it there. Touch is very powerful. Pull her panties up tightly so it triggers her clit. Rub your finger up and down. If she’s getting off on it, tell her to take her panties off, in the restroom or under the table and give them to you.  Again, don’t ask. The key is the command. If all that is too much, simply glide your leg between hers and hold her forced legs open.


Some say adding a new activity to the mix prompts their partner to question why

If you’re in the moment and she asks “why are you doing this”, simply respond because I like it. You turn me on. Because you’re hot and this is really getting me off.  Don’t let it break your mood or stamina. Just keep going and simply answer her question without giving it too much thought. If she brings it up later, tell her you wanted to try something new, that you like being dominant but you  hesitated because you wasn’t sure how she’d respond. It’s as simple as that. She may push for reassurance that you’re still happy with her, reassure her you are.


For more ideas listen to audiobooks

Why listen and not read? If domination is something you’re not accustomed to, an audio version provides insight such as vocal tone which is important if you’re learning to use a Dom voice and commands. Plus, audiobooks are more private: you can listen at the gym, in the car, anywhere really. And you can bookmark sections to try.

If you don’t know where to begin, I’ve compiled a list of audiobooks I’ve listened to, accessed here. There are many great ones out there, find an author or narrator you like and go from there.

Remember, stories, like porn, are fictionalized, you cannot expect the same result. 

Man and woman hands having sex on bed

A few things to keep in mind

  1. Go slow, pace out the activities, introduce something new at different times. Don’t unleash yourself on her in full force.
  2. Take notes on her responses so you can build on them for next time.
  3. If you get nervous in the middle of an activity and know you might freeze up, make blindfolding part of the scene, when you’re stuck, pull up the cheatsheet on your phone.

If she’s really digging it, and so are you, you can always take my course for Advanced Partnerships –  KINKY couples where we cover more activities, more resources, more in-depth and with more detail.




Related Posts

If you don’t like your story, it’s time to rewrite it.

Let’s Be Friends | Receive A FREE Fun EGift

A chapter of my book, The Las Vegas Madam

Scroll to Top