3 Step Guide – How to Overcome Jealousy In a Relationship

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1- The opposite of jealousy is confidence.
2- The opposite of confidence is fear.
3- Tackle jealousy with confidence by examining what you fear.

By analyzing the circumstances surrounding a situation you develop insight, tools to help you gain the upper hand in any kind of situation.

We all get jealous; if you didn’t, you should worry. Jealousy means you care, you’re getting closer to another, and it’s natural.

However, jealousy can consume us. If we try to ignore it or shove it aside, the feelings become thoughts that manifest into shadow personalities, a fragment of who or what we consider our true personality, and can seem to work against us.

Jealousy offers value if we look at the root cause and examine its underlying meaning and message; it tells us something about ourself, our life, and the circumstances surrounding it.

The universe works through polarity. If something is going on in your life, if you’re in a funk or having a run of bad luck and you don’t know how you’re going to move past it, know that change WILL happen. Change is inevitable, what goes up must come down, and this law of polarity applies to everything in life, including jealousy.

However, it’s an uncomfortable feeling to wait through. If you want a better grasp on ‘the situation or feelings’ so you can move through them quicker, you need to understand them. While each incidence of jealousy is different, the pathway to understanding and working through the feeling is the same.

By ‘listening’ to how you feel when you’re jealous you can learn the root cause and its needs and wants, which will be your guide in telling you how to deal with it. This blueprint helps you find the emotions’ polar opposite, which will become your tools to go to battle in fighting it.

1) Identify whatever emotions come up. Accept them. Feel them.

They may feel something like insecurity, anger, uncertainty. Sit with them. Toss the feelings around in your head. Let them have their moment. Jealousy is not a bad feeling to have, it may be uncomfortable, and probably annoying. We don’t want to give those feelings power, or hand over control, we just want to understand them because they add value, enrich our lives and help us understand ourselves.

What exactly IS jealousy

You might notice it as a twinge of desire, or a deeper, stronger want when you see someone doing something you wish you were doing. It’s probably more like a whole bunch of feelings pooled together ~ those feelings we just observed, such as insecurity. Your inner voice critiques the situation and may say something like, ‘I’m better/smarter/more successful than that person, why are they winning, why are they getting more attention’, or ‘why is so-and-so talking to them longer than they talk to me’.  That voice may chastise us and try to make us feel insecure about ourselves, it may go on to have a dialogue inside our mind making comments like ‘they’re dressed more provocatively, they’re more athletic, they make more money, they’re more successful.’


2) Get to the ROOT of the feeling

The real reason you feel insecure is not because your ‘opponent’ has an upper hand or advantage over you, it’s because you want to appear to be the better fit, you want to seem more competent, and the REAL  feeling is probably something like, ‘I admire this person’ and ‘I wish I was more like this person’, or ‘I want the other person to pay more attention to me.’

For example, when we see our crush locked in a discussion at the bar, or our partner has a substantial texting relationship with another, or shares inside jokes we’re not privy to, or still communicates regularly with their ex, we feel insecure because we consider them a threat to the relationship. Then our mind wanders to questioning if our partner will leave us for them if they find the other person a more suitable fit.

The same concept applies to infidelity or open relationships. When a partner cheats we may consider our relationship under threat because we’re afraid our partner may trade us in for them.


3) Identify the opposite of that feeling & and build it

The root of jealousy in this example is feelings of inadequacy or insecurity. The opposite of insecurity is confidence. Build confidence to pull yourself beyond the insecurity.

Boost confidence

Look at what you appreciate and admire in a similar situation you feel is successful. Then set goals to mold yourself after that.

In this situation, boosting confidence might include presenting yourself in a way that makes you feel like you have an equal or upper hand around other people ~ being knowledgeable (about something, so you can converse heavily on it) and looking/feeling good. For more ideas on confidence building, visit this link.


If your normal response after seeing your partner with ‘a threat’ is to have a drink, eat a tub of ice cream, order a pizza, or start a fight, realize those are just responses to feelings of insecurity or  inadequacy. Don’t give them any power.

Are you going to feel better after binge eating or fighting?  Probably not. Address your inner critic, your inner shadow, by reminding yourself to model your response after one you admire.

Do you think ‘the other person’, your ‘adversary’, or a person ‘you admire’ would give in to such a trigger?

Boost yourself up so you don’t. If you need to enlist support, call a friend, use an app, find what works for you. It IS easier said than done, especially when your emotions are riled up in the heat of a moment. Take a few moments and do it now.

√ Think about your triggers when it comes to jealousy.

What did you do last time you got jealous?

√ Now think back to a situation when you were at your best in life…

You just got a new job, or a new car, or a raise … what would you have done if someone made you jealous during that moment?
~ This is your antithesis to the more destructive or less helpful behavior of giving in to a trigger.

√ The trigger remains the same, but your response changes.

Both the confident response and more destructive behaviors are you. They’re both okay feelings to have because they both make up who you are. They both tell you something and teach you something about yourself that is valuable.
~ One tells you that you feel vulnerable because you like this person.
~ The other reminds you of your uniqueness and your power.

The next time you get jealous, and your inner angry insecure beast comes out

think about the response your ‘other’ beast would have. One has your back in this situation, the other one relies on your back to boost it up and coddle it.

When you approach life this way you start to have a confidence that compounds on itself. You glow. Just as jealousy left unaddressed consumes, anthesis to jealousy overpowers. By working with the natural polarity of the universe, your universe becomes more balanced and attractive in a way that cannot be manufactured or faked. Those moments of jealousy will occur less and you’ll know how to tackle them better when they do.

For additional resources on dealing with jealousy in a relationship

Visit this article How to Deal With Jealousy In a Relationship: 8 Tips, written by licensed therapist Insha Rahman, and reviewed by medical doctor Trishanna Sookdeo. At times we can all benefit from the support and insight of a trained professional. Choosing Therapy helps people find life-changing therapists and provides well researched articles focusing on the topics important to mental health and wellbeing.




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