Have a threesome – successfully

By Jami Rodman

For a link to a Video of this post visit YouTube

Threesomes…. I don’t know about you but when I think of a threesome I feel a little charged. It’s a mix of uncertainty, excitement, a bit taboo. It’s different, I mean who has a threesome every day, and because of that it adds an element of adventure to what could be a normal, routine, maybe even mundane habit. It becomes thrilling.

However, there is also an edge of trepidation. When I think of a threesome with a romantic partner, different feelings come up. They feel something like jealousy, apprehension, uncertainty.

What if ‘they’ hit it off? What if I’m left out? What if it backfires?

Then I also remind myself, most people may fantasize about having a threesome but never go through with it, so if I pull it off successfully then it makes me more desirable, it gives me an edge. Plus, I can act out my own fantasies of being with another woman but with the support of having someone with me, it somehow feels less vulnerable, and safer.

Identifying & processing feelings is the most important step to having a successful threesome

Identifying these feelings, then working through them logically sets the stage for success in any sexual activity. They tell you what you want out of it, and most importantly, what you don’t want out of it, and steps on how to get there.

This is the magic formula, it takes all the uncertainty and flips it in your favor.

BDSM, infidelity, the first few dates with a new partner, it all comes down to the feelings that come from doing the activity. We pursue something, anything, because of the feelings that are a result. By working through these feelings beforehand, the edge won’t feel so precarious, you’ll feel more confident and controlled in the situation.

If you’re considering having a threesome, feelings is where you should start.

A threesome is the most common sexual fantasy among Americans

According to this survey of 4,175 individuals. Pornhub stats show “Threesome” as the No. 2 search term for women in the U.S., and the No. 13 search term for all Pornhub users worldwide.

However, threesomes are also “the fantasy that was least likely to turn out well” – partly because “Most people don’t have a script for how a threesome should go,” says Lehmiller, author of the book, Tell Me What You Want. Each participant may have different expectations, and “reality is often very different from the way we picture it in our heads.”

You can avoid this pitfall and make your threesome more successful by planning it out fully, first.

It’s not as uncommon or as risqué as we might think

Threesomes show up as early as 400 B.C. in the Kamasutra, and continue through the ancient city of Pompeii where Rome’s bath houses contain scenes of the same. Dionysus, the Greek god had orgies in ancient Greece. The Konark Sun Temple in India built in the 13^th century has carvings of group sex. The renaissance and romantic eras of Europe basically made threeways a common practice. Botticelli’s painting Primavera in Florence, Itali and the “Three Graces”. Casanova gave his virginity to a threesome with two sisters. The French painter Géricault and his masterpiece, “Three Lovers.”Japanese Shunga art is style that depicts sex scenes in all manners, including threeways.

Threesomes are not new or rare or ultra risqué, people have been pulling them off for centures. So if you want to try one, there are a whole lot of things you can do to make yours more successful.

Step 1- Determine your why

Some common why’s:
It’s a long held fantasy! It’s a birthday gift, an anniversary gift, a corporate gift. Its a gift of self-love.

Really, think about this for a moment, what does a threesome look like and feel like to you. If you had one lined up tonight, what would you feel right now? Anticipation? Excitement? If you’ve thought about it this far, it’s entirely attainable. If you want to, you can.

The first step is to really put yourself there, mentally, emotionally, create a mind movie, or a vision board. Think it through. You think about getting out of bed before you actually do it, you think about getting your car and driving to work or the gym before you actually go there. When you go in for a job interview you mentally rehearse first. You plan your outfit, how you’re going to present yourself. Answer questions in your mind. Do the same with the threesome, don’t skip this step.

Mentally rehearsing the threesome is just as important as actually doing it.

Run through everything that might happen from when you greet them all the way through to when you say goodbye. Don’t skip this step, where would you meet: your place, their place, a hotel? Do you meet for drinks first? Who is with you: a partner, or are they both strangers? Are there toys involved? Sexy lingerie? Think about any mishaps that might happen and how you would handle them.

Some common mishaps

One person is late and you get started without them. One person gets upset because feelings come up. Do you power through or stop what you’re doing? If you think that might happen, then go slower, run it through your mind again. Now do you see it happening when you slow down? Make a mental note.

Think about where you focus your attention. In real life this part is harder than it first seems. You have to move around, your attention has to move around, it can’t linger on one person, it helps to consciously think about where to place your attention, so you really can’t just let yourself go and be in the moment, because you need to keep this at the forefront of your mind. Where do you place your hands, spacing out attention consciously takes more attention than one realize.

One might think, doesn’t take the fun out of it? It might not be what was expected but it’s necessary to pull it off successfully. If you do it a few times, you’ll get the hang of it, but as with any new dynamic activity, there is a learning curve and the more conscious attention one focuses on this in the beginning, the higher and quicker the success rate.

Step 2- Where to find partners

If you’re already in a partnership and wondering where to find the third, there are some thoughts that might come up. You might think of inviting a friend. You could find a stranger, someone neither of you have met. You could hire a professional. Or you could get seek out a sex party or event, or visit a sex club in a city you’re vacationing.

Let’s examine those options further.

Inviting a friend may seem the logical, quickest and easiest solution. A suggestion may have come up before during drinks, or you may have all shared a few laughs or even group kissed. In the long run, having a threesome with a friend can lead to complications. Feelings of jealousy, insecurity, running into them at the annual holiday party, there is a high potential for ongoing questions and feelings that require attention and reassurance. This can be avoided by finding an outside participant. Ideally someone neither of you are friends with.

You could potentially meet a third at a bar, if you have mad pickup skills, you’re in a busy area, and you and your partner are outgoing and somewhat trendy. You would have more luck at a sex club or sex party, more of those can be found on FetLife. Swingers clubs are also an option, and you’re more likely to find those in a city like Las Vegas, where the Green Door is a common place for exploring couples, or San Francisco, Los Angeles, Miami, or New York. If you don’t live in those areas, you could plan a trip, but getting lucky is a hit or miss because many couples who visit those establishments likely share a similar mindset as you, and are probably newer to the scene, shy, and are also looking for a third female.

You may have more luck finding a third partner online. Chat rooms and forums, such as Adult Friend Finder, Doublelist or FetLife feature thousands of sex positive like-minded people and you can meet others with similar desires. They’re like dating sites for kinky or the sexually alternative. You’ll need to create a profile, ideally one where you are a couple and clearly state you are only interested in conversing ‘as a couple’. This reduces the amount of un solicited messages from individuals looking for single partners, you’ll need to build a rapport, make sure you’re consistently active, and be prepared for a lack of responses. There is little to no ‘vetting processes’ to reassure you that you’re not spending days chatting with someone who you think is a potential but turns out to be a flake on the other side. You’ll have an easier time finding a third male for these scenarios than a female, who are often inundated with messages for couples seeking the same.

Another option is to hire a professional such as an escort. You can find them listed on Eros.com or Slixa, and it’s fairly common to find couples listed under her services. She’s most likely seen couples before, she’ll know how to break the ice, transition through the date seamlessly, and she will be prepared. Most will bring toys, props, music, lingerie and a great attitude. She’s not going to fall in love and when she leaves, it’s over. It can take some time to sort through the many ads and find an ideal fit, plus they often charge extra for couples, but if a threesome is something you’re really considering, there is a greater chance of success going this route. If you’re a single guy seeking two women, many escorts can bring a friend with them.

Step 3 – Where to have a threesome

There is a benefit in making a new ‘big’ sexual activity special by taking it outside your home and into a hotel or Airbnb. Plan a weekend getaway, a trip to Vegas, a weekend in a nearby city to attend an upcoming sex party.

There are many reasons to take a threesome ‘outside’ or ‘away’ from your home. As a woman, having another woman in mine or in my partners bed adds to feelings of insecurity which can easily be avoided. It also reduces uncertainty of inviting a stranger into your home, and being in a more public place lends greater security with the person you’re inviting.

If you’re curious about different types of sexual activities and interests, events are a great way to sample the scene with little commitment. Dark Odyssey is an example of a more edgy KINK event open to the public at multiple times throughout the year in different cities. Classes are held for all levels from introductory to advanced, and meeting others with similar interests is a great way to build your circle.

Step 4 – How to bring a threesome up to your partner

If you have a partner, talk to them about your fantasy long before, a threesome isn’t really a gift you spring on someone. This can feel like a huge hurdle, but there are ways to get through it.

I’m not a proponent of throwing hints out there, like “wouldn’t it be hot if we ran into some hot girl to have a threesome with on my birthday”…. that kind of thing is sort of passive aggressive and women see through that. I suggest being forthright and bringing it up. Talk it over during a date, simply say you’ve had a fantasy forever and since you see yourself with them for the long haul, hopefully forever, you want to make a proposition.

If you know your partner may be hesitant about something like this, Its helpful to present ‘alleviations’, one being ‘rules’. It’s common to have ‘rules’ in a threesome. Some very common rules are no kissing, no touching, no penetration. Sometimes these rules become relaxed on repeat experiences, but they can be helpful in the beginning and throughout your journey of exploring.

If your partner has those rules, respect them. That is what they’re comfortable with. Don’t try to negotiate, just gracefully accept them.

Look at the threesome as a unit

It’s not you, them, them. It’s more like a partnership. This is a lot easier said than done and pulling it off takes a bit of time, planning, and thinking: thinking it through like we did earlier with active imagination. Don’t skip this step.

It helps to think of it like a rotation or conveyor belt of arms, legs, mouths, appendages.

You need to plan for time with each person. A common layout is one person receives the attention while the other two give the attention, then rotate out. Or your hands can be on each person simultaneously. Ideally, each person will be brought to completion, but that may not happen.

After the threesome

A simple and courteous ‘thank you’ is sufficient. Leave it at that. Don’t contact them outside the arrangement, except to send a joint ‘thank you’ note if you feel like it. Don’t elaborate on how you felt with them, and don’t strike up any kind of ongoing communication. This isn’t a three-way intro to polyamory.

Keep in mind

EMOTIONS are going to come up for everyone will have their own feelings to process, the experience may feel exhilarating, they may wax and wane, it may feel like a roller coaster of thoughts and excitement, all of which is normal. Realize feelings are just chemicals, like love is a chemical reaction in the brain and body, feel them and process them, but don’t take it further right away.

Look at this like going to the movies, you anticipated, you partook, you may talk it over and reminisce, work through the nuances, but don’t get swept away.

You may want to leave some time before you bring up, or you may decide to process it with your partner immediately after. To initiate the conversation, a simple, “how did that make you feel” is sufficient to open the door. Then listen to what they have to say, and share your own thoughts after.