“I’m not sure why, my whole life, I’ve believed monogamy is best,” my client Bill professed one afternoon. “For the longest time I had this hard-set idea about marriage, and then I realized I didn’t really know where it all came from.”

Bill, like most of my clients, was married. His marriage was a common topic in our sessions.

“I suspect she knows I have other avenues. I know she sees people, but I don’t know how to bring it up. She’s probably thinking the same thing. If we talked about it, I think we’d both be happier.”

Most clients I saw struggled with traditional relationships. He had affairs in secret. She had affairs in secret. They weren’t in a hybrid-relationship – when one partner is non-monogamous and the other is monogamous. And they weren’t in an open relationship – when both partners had sexual relationships outside their marriage. Nor were they in a polyamorous relationship either – where both partners had multiple romantic relationships on the side. They really had a non-monogamous relationship but neither one admitted it.

Culturally and socially Americans are more like serial monogamists. We have a succession of monogamous partners over time. We date and break up. Marry then divorce. (Culture is the shared beliefs and attitude of a group. Social are the actions and behaviors of the people in that group) Cultural and social actions are ingrained in society. It’s our traditions and values that we pass down through generations. It’s our identity.

Which is why it’s so difficult for us to step outside the norm, and be more embracing of alternatives, like open relationships. It’s why infidelity is frowned up. America is infatuated with infidelity. We hear about it in the media, read about it in tabloids, and listen to it at church, from our friends, our families, the barista at the coffee shop, our taxi driver…and so on and on. The idea that we have to be monogamous to be successful in a relationship is so deep rooted, we hide it when we’re not.

That’s where Ashley Madison (and escorts) came in.

The intent of Ashley Madison was to hook up discreetly, so a spouse wouldn’t find out. And who knows, maybe their infidelity was done with good intent.

Like it was with Bill, “She’s my best friend. We’ve been together for years. We’re basically roommates, and cohabit the same family in the same house. But I would never want to intentionally hurt her.”

Or, perhaps, as another client said, “I’ll lose my house, the kids, the dogs. I didn’t go to college for 8 years and fight my way into a career to throw it all away in a divorce. I never wanted to get married in the first place, I did it because it was the thing to do at the time. Everyone at the office, my friends, it’s what people did back then.”

To him, marriage wasn’t a symbol of matrimony, it was more of a social and financial institution. It made him fit in, and gave him a license to govern property, children, and taxes. But divorce was even more expensive, and so his marriage became just another business decision.

“So I pay you instead,” he said, “Hell, I can budget in escort sessions forever and still not come close to what a divorce would cost me.”

Or as Bill put it, “I thought if I saw an escort it wouldn’t be as bad as cheating,” he sighed, “I just need to connect with someone. You’ve given me so much. My time with you is the only time I feel like anyone treats me with compassion.”

Was Bill and his wife’s marriage successful?

Does monogamy mean a relationship is successful? For some, a successful relationship is staying together for 50 years, even though they may only have sex with each other for the first 5. Others consider their relationship a success if they broke up after 3 years, but it was passionate the entire time. Everyone has their own concept of what a relationship means to them, and regardless whether their thoughts fit into the culture or not, the society surrounding them often has a stronger pull.

That’s why people like Bill, and his wife, and everyone else who used Ashley Madison and escorts, stuck their relationship out. They chose discretion, and decided not let their promiscuity affect their spouses.

However, as we all know now, in the long run, choosing one of those outlets doesn’t always save face, or feeling, emotions, or divorce. It isn’t always the cheapest, or safest, over simply talking to your spouse. Who knows, maybe he or she feels the same way you do.

(Image Credit:gosphotodesign, Fotolia)

Only if you do it both ways – two girls and one guy, and two guys and one girl.

Here’s why.

Group sex; a ménage à trois in French terms; MFF (Male Female Female), GBG (Girl Boy Girl), MMF (Male Male Female), or BGB (Boy Girl Boy) in escort terms, can be every guys fantasy. However, it can also turn into every woman’s nightmare.

When you do it once, he’s going to expect it again, and again. And again. It never stops at just once. If you’re prepared for that, and if you understand that when he continues to bring it up afterwards, it’s because he’s a guy, and guys are just going to do that – even when you’re feeling vulnerable, or wish it had never happened, or get jealous because he liked it a little too well.  It doesn’t mean he’s doing it intentionally or out of spite. It’s because you blew his mind and he won’t ever be able to forget that (Which is why you did it to begin with, right?)

All that being said, a threesome IS the ultimate gift, and most likely one of his top fantasies. If you’re looking for that special gift, the one he will never forget, then go for it!

There are huge pluses to bringing a threesome into your partnership every now and then.

• He’ll think you’re a goddess. Any woman who willingly shares her husband and her bed with another woman (or man) drips with confidence and exudes femininity. She’s a sexual prowess, a panther, and even if you’re only feeling that way for a little while, or it’s short-lived, or a façade, its still who you are to him.
• Your relationship can grow deeper and closer because of it. If you open up and share something like that together, successfully, you’ll have more confidence in your love for each other. He, or she, slept with someone else, yet they still love and appreciate me.
• You’ll see each other in a whole new light, and it will likely spice up your sex life, after.

If bringing a woman in, is what you decide to do, there are some steps you should be prepared to take.

• First off NEVER EVER invite a friend – his friend, your friend, or a mutual friend. Bedrooms are no place for three friends to play, unless this is something you do regularly. Feelings are going to come up, and you don’t want them coming up at the weekly BBQ, or parents’ conference, or soccer match, or anywhere. That’s why hiring an escort is the best approach. You’re paying for a professional.
• Picking the right escort is going to take a lot of TIME. You need to search, and research and search some more. It’s harder picking out the right escort for a threesome than it is for a standard guy/girl session. If she sees couples, her website will say ‘couples’ on it. The ones who spend a paragraph discussing how a session might go with a couple is probably a better fit than the escort whose website merely mentions a price next to the line ‘couples’. If she genuinely seems enthusiastic, asks questions about why you made the decision to have a threesome, covers any rules you might have, and wants to talk both over the phone and in email, then she probably truly does like women. Some escorts fake it for the higher price tag, and those aren’t the ones you want.
• Be prepared to PAY. Escorts that see couples charge more than a regular session, sometimes double. An average escort session that is $500 might add on an additional $300 per hour for couples, or she might charge a flat rate of $1000 for an hour and a half, or minimum $2000 for a two or three-hour session.
• Remember, females take longer to warm up than men, that includes you, so an hour session might not be the best fit. I would plan for at least an hour and a half or more when you hire a woman for a threesome. It’s always a good idea to start with drinks, to break the ice, then go from there. Dinner is usually a little too much time and too unpredictable unless you already know her. The last thing you want to do is have a two-hour window to kill with someone you can’t relate to after the first fifteen minutes.
• Do some RESEARCH on threesomes. Threesomes are actually more consuming than old fashioned one-on-ones. They take a lot of sensitive negotiation, attention, back and forth, and equal navigation of body parts—eyes, lips, tongues, and fingers—times three. Focus shifts constantly and it can be
• Realize EMOTIONS are going to come up. To handle the apprehension, jealousy, and lust, a successful threesome requires a lot of Make RULES before hand. If you don’t feel comfortable with him banging her, TELL HIM. If you don’t want to kiss, make that clear before she ever comes over, and the sooner the better. You don’t want him fantasizing about what’s going to happen for weeks, then burst his bubble after his thoughts have wandered every which way.
• Make the time COMFORTABLE for her as well as yourself. Don’t have your clothes spread around the room. Don’t ask her silly questions like, “did you clean the toys”, or “have you showered today”, and don’t say things like, “please don’t contact my husband after, even if he tries”. It’s just rude and will set the tone off wrong. Don’t assume she’s dirty, or unclean, or going to fall in love with him and be a nuisance. She’s a professional, otherwise, why would you be hiring her?
• Wear your best LINGERIE. She will be.

All that being said, don’t make too many rules, or have unrealistic expectations, or why bother? A threesome isn’t going to save your marriage. Don’t plan for one unless you’re already in a strong place with one another. Have fun, loosen up, let it be what is it, after all, sex should be fun or what’s the point?

If you do decide to have a threesome, hiring an escort is probably your best bet. Remember, she’s a professional. She’s done this before, and she’ll know how to break the ice, transition from one stage to the other seamlessly, and she will be prepared. She comes with props, music, and a great attitude. She’s not going to fall in love with your man, crowd in on your space, and when she leaves, it’s over. Period.

With all the planning and preparation, the build up, and going to battle with your emotions, it’s only fair he’s prepared to do the same for you. If he’s not, then it’s not a fair trade and I, personally, wouldn’t offer!

(Image Credit: Casarsa iStock.)