I was in bed next to a client, Frank, one afternoon. “I love my wife, but we’ve not had a sex life in so long,” he confessed. “I thought if I saw an escort it wouldn’t be as bad as cheating.”
Frank was like many of the men I met, 40 to 60-something, married for years. His story sounded so similar to others I’ve heard over the past decade, first as an escort, then as a Las Vegas Madam. Sex with his wife dropped to a few times a month, then almost none at all.
For men who hire escorts, the sex is never about love. It’s about fantasy and busting a nut. The fantasy can mean several things – validation of masculinity, power, domination. It’s rarely about building an emotional connection.
The number one reason the married men I met hired escorts is because they thought it would save their marriage.
“She’s my best friend and I don’t want to hurt her feelings, but I’m not ready quit having sex,” he explained. “When I see you, I’m not out having an affair, or emotionally involved with another woman. I just want to get laid.”
Most men are happy with any kind of sex. They’re not looking for a balls-to-the-wall wild porn star experience all the time. Sure, they would love to see you in a crotchless lace ensemble every now and then, but for the most part they’re content with some form of sex life. If they got that from their wife, even better.
Frank’s story sounded like another client, John, “I like my balls sucked, but she won’t do it. I’ve asked her, tried spicing things up, but we fall back into the same routine, once a month, missionary, lights off. I’m only 50. I’m sure as hell not ready to throw in the towel. At least this way I don’t resent her because we’re not having sex”
To Frank and John, sex was like going to a meeting at the office. He scheduled in a session twice a month, requested a blowjob, or doggy style– then left. There weren’t long flirtatious text messages or lingering glances over dinner. By paying for it, it was simply a means for sexual release.
When men pay for sex, it becomes a financial transaction, void of emotion. It’s strictly business.
For women however, sex is an emotional journey, a way to feel intimately closer to our partners. That’s why we feel so betrayed when we’re cheated on.
When a partner in a committed relationship has an affair, they’re doing so for a reason. Depending on who you read, there are several kinds of affairs. I’ll leave that to the experts, but personally, I would be less concerned if I found out my partner was hiring a prostitute, over having an emotional affair with a girlfriend or mistress.
So you suspect your husband is cheating, now what?
I’d be angry, jealous, resentful, they’re normal feelings, and they’re not always bad. You can actually use them to create a stronger and more meaningful relationship, or sex life – if you want to. So have them, but don’t dwell. Nothing is accomplished by stewing in them.
If you want to save your relationship, you should look at why it happened in the first place. Talk to him, find out what the problem is, find out what he likes in the bedroom. Even if you think you know what he likes, there’s never been a better time to ask than now. If you’ve been married for 2 years, or 15, people change, their bedroom styles change.
Chances are, he still wants the relationship or he would have moved on, and if he does, then he’s going to work with you to make it better. If he doesn’t then you deserve to be happy too. Find someone who will make you as happy as you’ve tried to make him.